i cannot write. there is a mental road block i put up so no one can see what is going on inside my head and so i cant see out. i am worthless. not one ounce of something someone wants. oh well. think you are doing go? fuck, you just hit the shit. even your own mother hates you. even mothers day she has to tell you your body isnt good enough. do this. do that. fuck off. as soon as i start to lose weight, she comments. and i say fuck it. family is only around to put you down. family will never stand for you. they force you to stand up and fight for them but when it is their turn, they fuck off. job going well? your relationship just hit the fan. found love? you are living on the street. put my finger down my throat. gain some more. fuck this shit. im on the edge of the wasted youth. shit family. shit city. im just a fag hag in the works.

I decided that by the time I turn 21, so in a year, I will have lost 20 pounds and will get my acne scars removed. I am going to start caring what I look like. I can’t be the one who enters the room stumbling and looking like a dork. I am going to try to be the girl who glides into the room. Once I am 21, I can have friends and get real jobs so by that time I need to look my best. This is my prime right?!! Then I need to act it. I want to be asked on dates, not just fuck buddies. I want to find love. I will have graduated from uni and hopefully found a job of my liking.